The Last Days

What is it then that makes us yearn to go back if only for an instant?

What did that moment hold that others did not?

Sometimes the words of a child are such that they evoke memories of a clearer and more innocent time. We wish then in that moment that we could relive that time if only for an instant to fully feel that sense of resting that we felt in that instant.

To give some context to this writing. During a conversation the following statement was made. A father was speaking to his young son and he had made the following comment:

“My son made a beautiful comment the other day about feeling sad and that he could not go back to the last days”

This was also echoed by an early follower of my work, who in a recent conversation stated that he would love if only for an instant to go back to the time when I was just starting out and it was just him and me.

We all wish that we could capture those moments that really moved us and be able to revisit them at will. We do in the form of memory but the memory is de facto and just a remnant of the actual experience.

What is it then that makes us yearn to go back if only for an instant? What did that moment hold that others did not? Why did consciousness break through and sear a memory that could never be forgotten into our mind?

Consider, firstly why you want to go back. What was happening in that moment? What did you feel. What were you thinking? What made it so special?

Would I forever be sitting in the clouds

forever in this moment?

One such memory for me was, I remember as a child swinging back and forth on a swing at my local park looking up at the clouds on a warm summers day. I could feel the warmth on my face. The sense of wonder looking at the clouds and the way they slowly moved. A sense of adventure in that I imagined what it would be to be sitting in those clouds and looking down and the sense of excitement of what would it be like to sit in the clouds. Were they soft and warm, what would I see while up there looking down and what would it mean for me. Would I forever be sitting in the clouds, forever in this moment? Further still I derived a sense of security in sitting on the swing and being able to fully be here. Without effort or trying and this is important without “me” there.

So what do I feel makes these moments so important is that for those instances we are home in our natural way of being, in which we naturally and without effort experience the oneness of what we are. As we then come back into the story that memory that is formed is a remnant of a time we feel we will forget. Memory then further clouds the picture and helps in the further development and reinforcement of the idea of “me”

Maybe also then not being forget these moments as a reminder from consciousness as to our true nature. A signpost for us on our journey home. A clue we left ourselves. Sometimes as we seek there is a sense of impossibility of ever arriving at this place where we can rest and just be, without effort or strain and yet these moments where we just are, serve to remind us of ourselves and prove to us that what we seek is what we are and that home is a very real place. Home is here and now and wherever we go and wherever we travel it is with us as it is us. These moments these beautiful moments. So pristine, so beautiful, so clear. Point and remind us of our true nature.

How then to be able to live these moments always. As if they are happening right now. Ever fresh and ever new. It seems impossible and yet this possibility is open to us at every instant and to access this possibility, all that is required is a simple acceptance of now.

Whatever is happening right now is you. This is your true nature. You are not your story, your identity, your possessions, your status. What you are is this beautiful singularity.

An innocent moment made clear by a child’s remarks.

Made clear by the remembrance of a simpler time.

Made clear by the wisdom in the eyes of one who has truly lived.

Made clear by loves first kiss.

Made clear by those moments that take our breath away

The acceptance of the present moment collapses the idea of time, the idea of individuality, the idea of “me”. In this pristine state, we are here. Every thought, feeling and emotions arises and falls in this singularity. We are always here. Here in the last days.

What is the meaning of Life?

This knowing ourselves is constantly happening…

Without effort, without doing. Just being.

To know thyself is the meaning of life I would say. We can get caught up in so many of the dramas and stories of life that we don’t stop, even for an instant to contemplate or appreciate the very nature of our existence. A huge mirror showing us at every turn who we are.

We have been so conditioned to turn away from the mirror and not radically meet ourselves, that when the thought that something isn’t quite right enters our minds. We have no idea how to turn to the mirror to see ourselves and instead seek like the fish looking for water.

I recently completed a weekend intensive, there was a young boy there on the final day who had come along with his parents. Over the course of the day the little boy made his presence felt and joined me in doing the talk and speaking to some of the participants as well. What stood out for me was after the morning break, I sat back in my chair and said

“Where am I, I’ve lost myself”
To which the little boy instantly answered.
“You’re right there”
It was so simple.

I had a room full of people all looking for the meaning of life, convinced something was missing and looking upon the speaker to help them realise who they were. To maybe hear something that would set them free from this bondage of seeking.

In an instant the young man had given them the answer. Was it accepted, could it be accepted? Its simplicity was such that no one could fully accept the fact that the meaning of life is that you are right here and that realising that we are here lets us stop the search and see what we truly are.

This knowing ourselves is constantly happening and at every turn we reveal ourselves to ourselves. Without effort, without doing. Just being.

It is our natural way of functioning which is always present even while we look for it, as even that is just another of its myriad of manifestation. It is a wisdom unto itself. Constantly losing itself and finding itself. It is who we are. And lifetimes will pass, and we could no more fathom it out anymore then we could fathom out the reality of a drop of water. In it all things rise and collapse. It is us and we are it and even that idea of two dies and the singularity of it all is what leaves us dumbstruck.

The pointer points to itself and yet appears to point away from itself. The divine paradox, the most beautiful of love stories. As beautiful as the explanations and discourses and debates about it are, they will always fall short as it has to be seen to believed and as it is, this non-event brings about it the realisation that I am that which I seek and even that realisation falls silent. For with what words would I describe to you the beauty of my beloved.

All ends in silence with no one to even witness that…

An Idea of Normality

For years I dreamed of being normal. Recently this idea of being normal dropped away. It had been something I aspired too for as long as I can remember. To be a respected member of society with the house, the car, the two point four children and the wife. To me whilst I was seeking, I dreamed that I would go back to a normal life after finding my answers. But what was normality for someone who had never experienced it. I remember a line from my book Falling into the Mystery

I can hear my family in the next room laughing and joking and I envy them. I just want to be normal but I have no way of knowing what normal is anymore…

So how can someone who has never known normality know it, and this was something I struggled with for many years until as I said, I found the idea just dropping away. The corresponding sense of freedom I experienced in this letting go was freeing as it pointed to a level of authenticity I had yet to experience. It is ok to be as I am and to accept that I am who I am. I am someone who has spent a large portion of their life looking for the answers to life. Now, however life is lived and not looked for. I am no longer in the ashram but instead I am in the only ashram that matters, Life.

Friedrich Nietzsche

‘And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music…’

Life with all its imperfections and craziness has taught me that in order to truly live I need to embrace every aspect of me and that also includes this spiritual side that I hoped to drop when I had found my answers. If anything this realisation of being as I truly am has given me a better understanding of what it means to be truly normal as opposed to an idea of it, than if I had chosen to reject a huge portion of my life in the hope I would fit in with the Joneses.

That by embracing every aspect of us we are so much more whole, complete and richer for it.

That we can find the miracle that is life while standing in the queue at the supermarket as we can find it in the presence of the greatest of sages.

That by embracing what others may see as our weirdness, our quirks, our little oddities that probably amuse the “normal” folk who haven’t lived as we’ve lived that we are more normal than those we seek to be like.

To quote Oscar Wilde:

Be yourself, everyone else is taken…

Embrace and accept all aspects of you and you may find that your embracing yourself helps you see the extraordinariness of it all in the ordinary and that this acceptance of yourself is true normality.

As the bird takes flight…

It starts off as a thought, the thought persists and doesn’t go away. You try to suppress it and yet it comes back stronger. As the saying goes, what you resist persists, so stupidly you resist.

As the bird takes flight…

You know this thought to be true, but the magnitude of its scope is scaring. You know it leaves you with nothing. The stories will go, the excuses will evaporate. So, you hide, you make excuses and you endure incredible pain as you know as painful as this is, it doesn’t hold a candle to what you feel you will experience.

Stop! Is this true. Will you really experience the terror and pain you are avoiding and if you do, do you think it will last forever. So, you guardedly come out of the shadows and feel this pain, it hurts, so again you run away. You’ve lost again, you are a failure. You lick your wounds and hide again.

Again, the thought intrigues you and you come out of the shadows, again the same thing happens, this time though it hurts a little less. Could it be the monster isn’t real. The possibilities could then be endless. You could finally live.

The light invades the darkness and it is seen the monster never existed. It was a play of shadows. You laugh, you cry, you let go and the bird that was caged realises there was no cage. As the bird takes flight, it is seen it is always perfect as it is.